


"I'm allergic to bullshit" and Stealing the batmobile

by FearfulKitten



Series: Batman Bingo 2020 [12]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman and Robin (Comics), Batman and the Signal (Comics), Nightwing (Comics), Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Bat Bonding, Batbrothers (DCU), Batbrothers (DCU) Bonding, Batfamily (DCU), Batfamily (DCU) Bonding, Batfamily Dynamics (DCU), Chaotic Batfamily, Crack, Gen, Sibling revenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:47:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26310628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FearfulKitten/pseuds/FearfulKitten
Summary: The Robins have the awful habit of stealing the batmobile (it comes with the mantle), and Steph and Tim are no exception. But they are surrounded by very perceptive vigilantes, and the task becomes a little impossible with a full house.“Steph, Tim...” Dick called as they got off the stairs, arms crossing as he stopped “What are you doing?”
Relationships: Cassandra Cain & Everyone, Dick Grayson & Everyone, Duke Thomas & Everyone, Jason Todd & Everyone, Stephanie Brown & Cassandra Cain & Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Duke Thomas & Jason Todd, Stephanie Brown & Everyone, Tim Drake & Everyone
Series: Batman Bingo 2020 [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1852759
Comments: 8
Kudos: 181





	"I'm allergic to bullshit" and Stealing the batmobile

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This work was beta'd by @TruthfulDaydreamer, thank you so much for the help! They are absolutely amazing, and helped me so much with this work!  
> Also, it was requested by @pricetagofficial on tumblr, so this is a reminder that you can always go talk to me and request me stuff there! Thank you for clicking this work, I hope you like it!

Dick and Jason were sitting across from each other on the couch, each of them trying to gain more space with his feet, lightly kicking and pushing the other’s legs. Cass never quite understood why they did it, since the manor had more than enough couches for both of the huge men. Duke got back from the kitchen, and he handed his sister a glass of water before settling down on the armchair across from her spot.

“So, where is Damian again?” Duke asks Dick, taking his focus away from the intense war of feet.

“Hm? Oh, he’s with Bruce on that golfing thing for charity or whatever.” Dick answers, getting kicked in the butt for ignoring Jay. “Ow!” He retaliates, kicking at Jason’s legs “I’m trying to have a conversation here.”

“What about Steph and Tim? Did they go too?” Duke asks again, ignoring the fight as his brothers keep moving around.

“Nah, they’re still around.” Dick replies, smirking as his foot pushes Jason’s face away, muffling his voice.

“Are you sure? Because if that’s so, they’re awfully quiet...” Duke points out.

“They went down to the Cave.” Cass says.

All of them freeze and go silent for a moment.

“Oh, shit.” Dick exclaims. Suddenly, the four batkids leap from the couch and rush to the batcave, all of them in such a hurry that Jason forgets to put on his shoes, meaning he won’t stop complaining as he steps on the cold metal stairs down to the cave.

“Steph, Tim...” Dick called as they got off the stairs, arms crossing as he stopped “What are you doing?”

“Nothing!” The blonde girl answers from the vehicle bay, her head popping up from behind the batmobile.

“Doesn’t look like nothin’ to me.” Jason teases, stopping next to Dick.

“We were making out.” Tim says.

“Sure.” Duke states almost cynically, as Tim was not nearly flustered enough for that to be true. “Why were you making out in your uniforms, behind the batmobile?”

“The batcave can be very romantic...?” He tries.

Cass gives them a look that clearly means ‘seriously?’.

“Alright, human lie detector,” Tim starts, standing up “We weren’t making out.”

“Like that wasn’t obvious.” Steph complains, rolling her eyes.

“Hey!” Tim exclaims “I didn’t see  _ you _ trying to cover our asses.”

“And why do you need to cover your asses?” Dick asks.

“Uhhhhh, no reason.” The teen puts his hands behind his back while Steph covers her face with a hand, clearly done with Tim’s terrible deflections.

“How can someone be so brilliant and so stupid at the same time?” She mutters.

“You think I’m brilliant?” Tim smiles.

“And stupid.” Jason points out “Just so we’re clear.”

“How come you can lie to B with a blank face, but now you’re a total mess?” Duke crosses his arms.

“With Bruce it’s usually after I’ve done whatever he’s calling me out for. I never prepared for this.” Tim explains.

“That’s a lie.” Steph cuts in, rolling her eyes yet again “He admitted yesterday that he just can’t lie to Dick.”

“Damn straight.” Dick says, a smile on his face as Tim blushes and stutters after her statement “So, tell me Tim, what were you two planning on doing?”

“We were...”

“Waxing the Batmobile!” Steph stepped in, a little desperate.

Jason’s tongue slipped through his lips before he bursted out laughing until he got red in the face.

“Yeah, okay, what were you really doing?” Dick asks, Jason still laughing like a mad man behind him, being briefly joined by Duke, who was incredibly amused by the vigilante’s laughter.

“What?” Steph tries “Why don’t you believe me? We just wanted to surprise Bruce. Make a nice thing for him, y’know?”

Jason starts coughing his lungs out, probably due to all the laughter. Dick sighs, turning around and patting his biggest little brother’s back.

“I told you to stop smoking.” He murmurs.

“No, it’s not that...” Jason struggled to catch his breath “I think that I might be allergic to bullshit. Your bullshit, specifically.” He points to Steph.

“Oh, shut up.” She retorts, crossing her arms.

Dick gives Tim a look.

“Okay! Fine!” He blurts out, overwhelmed by his brother’s prying at this point “We were going to steal the Batmobile. We just wanted to drive around town playing spice girls and catchy k-pop songs.”

All of them blink slowly, exchanging looks.

“That’s... it?” Dick says.

“...Yes?” Tim replies, unsure.

“Why didn’t you tell us then?” Dick asks “We thought you were doing something really dangerous.”

“Wait.” Steph says, looking at her four siblings “You’re not mad?”

“Pffft.” Jason mocked “Mad? Kid, every Robin steals Batman’s car. It’s like a rite of passage at this point.”

“Even Damian?”

“Especially Damian.” Duke says “He doesn’t do it for fun, but he has done it.”

“What about you and Cass? You aren’t Robins.”

“Hey! I am a Robin, thank you very much.” Duke crosses his arms.

“ _ I won’t interfere in your rite of passage. _ ” Cass signed.

“Are you guys serious?” Tim says.

“Yeah, go ahead, have fun.” Dick reaches into his pocket “Here.” He offers them a car key “I have like, three copies, you guys can have that one if you like. Just try not to crash.”

“Wow, thanks!” Steph takes it “I had no clue you could be a cool brother.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Dick ruffles her hair “I mean it, don’t crash the car. And don’t run red lights unless there’s an emergency.”

“Alright, captain tight pants,” Jason mocks, tapping his brother’s back “Let them have fun.”

Steph and Tim soon took off in the Batmobile, blasting “Wannabe” on the speakers, loud enough for their brothers to feel the vibrations on their bones.

“Shouldn’t we have told them about the alarm on Bruce’s phone?” Duke asks.

“And ruin the fun?” Jason smirked “You still have a lot to learn.”

Just then, Dick’s phone rang.

“Is it him?” Jason peeked over his shoulder.

“Yeah. All of you, shut up for a second.” Dick puts the phone to his ear “Hey, B. What’s up?” A pause, small murmurs coming from the phone “What? Really?” More phone noise “Well, that’s weird. You know, I could’ve sworn I saw Steph and Tim going down to the cave a little earlier. But I don’t think they’d... Yeah. Mhmm.” Dick nodded “No, you should totally check on them. I can’t believe they’d do this. Alright, bye. Take care, B.”

“So?” Jason asked, eyes gleaming.

“He’s onto them.” Dick snorts “They are so screwed.”

Cass smiles a little, and Jason laughs.

“God, I feel kinda bad now.” Duke grimaced.

“Remember that time they set every single device in the house to play that baby shark song, each of them a minute apart from each other, the first going off at six in the morning?” Dick says “On a sunday?”

“Yeah, okay, I don’t feel bad anymore.” Duke frowns “They’re getting off easy.”

“Oh, baby bro,” Jason throws an arm around his shoulders “You’re dumber than I thought if you think I’m not already planning more.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again! Thank you for reading. If you want to, you can follow me on tumblr, @fearfulkittenwrites and @fearful-kitten0. Once again, thank you to the amazing @TruthfulDaydreamer!  
> I love you all, stay safe and healthy out there! <3


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